"Why am I who I am?" "Why am I doing what I'm doing?" 

Had a bad day afternoon and night today, had went thru a roller coaster of emotions, plus I'm feeling totally sicky the whole day. I'm losing my sanity! haiz.. So I spend the whole day watch a drama- 愛就宅一起. ohh, it really reminded me of many things, and one of it, is that fragility in my life. That when thoughts of self-doubting and questioning kept flooding my mind! I hate it, i mean i really hate this feeling. 

I had lots of reflections and thoughts after that forever living meeting, they are haunting me down on my neck. I really duno why, but i felt a deep burden in my heart. I need to change, I need help, but whenever i turn ard, who is the one i can turn to? Maybe it's my problem, i realised that I have problem expressing my inner self, i really doubt anyone will ever understand the real me unless i open up. The question is, how can i ever open up, even i do not know? That defensive mechanism in me, i really do not know how to defuse it. Anyone can give me that answer? 

I need love, i need care and concern, but I have none. I really need to give myself a big handclap for being such a distasteful person without any true friends. 3 cheers for me man!